originally posted by Mandy Lucas 9.16.2009
“Lord you have searched me and you know me.” Psalm 139:1
For the last few months there has been a recurring theme in my life. I keep hearing over and over again the challenge: “be who you are called to be.”
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13
Now I have always prided myself on knowing who I am. I know who I am, I am very aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I am not, and usually I am fine with that. Please note a disclaimer here: I am not accepting the things about my character or personality that may not or do not glorify God. I believe that He will always be burning things out of my character that do not need to be there. But who I am at my core, I generally understand. I am not girly, though I am feminine. I played water polo and I swam competitively in high school, so I was once very athletic. I am an achiever; I am driven. I highly value people. I am inspired by movies like Batman, Gladiator, Dead Poets Society, Men of Honor, Remember the Titans, and Braveheart. I am confident in who God has made me.
However, I have long struggled in the Christian culture to be me. I became a Christian at 17. I was introduced to church culture as a high-schooler and have learned to adapt. I have a perceived notion of what I should be and how I should act in the church and I have struggled to find very many Godly examples of the type of woman I am. Usually when people describe Godly women, they use images that I do not fit. When they tell me that we are daughters of a King, I think of Esther. I see perfume bottles, oils, scented lotion and a very reserved woman who with a great measure of wisdom acts in perfect time. I am not an Esther. I have felt that I just do not fit the mold. So, here I am. I am called to minister to people, to nations, to children. I am called currently to my local church and I have long felt that I don’t fit in, that I don’t fit the mold.
“…he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ..”Eph. 1:5
Something happened recently. I think I finally understand why this theme of being who I am called to be has been following me around. I went to a meeting for women in ministry this week. One of the speakers shared that we are daughters of a king. FYI: I have been watching all three of the Lord of the Rings movies with my husband this week. In fact, just the night before this meeting, we had watched The Return of the King. Immediately, when the speaker at the meeting said this, that we are daughters of a king, the voice of Aragorn was in my head; I could hear his response to Eowin when she expresses to him that she is afraid of dying in a cage. He tells her that it will not be so, that she is “a daughter of Rohan, a daughter of Kings.” Now you may remember that Eowin is the one who ends up killing the Nazgul. She was pretty hard core, definitely not a princess that is all about nails, and primping, and being proper. She was a warior and she desired to stand and fight the battle.
I have to express, this is the first time that I have been truly able to feel like a daughter of the King. I am realizing it is not about what I think (and generally it is probably a wrong perception) I need to do or be to fit the mold. It is more about being and becoming all that God made me. Whether other people accept that or not is not my deal. Again, it is still my responsibility to allow God to burn out the things that do not belong in my character.
“And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.” Eph. 2:22
Paul is always talking about becoming, becoming more of who God made him. The struggle between abandoning self and trusting that God is at work in you is a difficult one…especially if you think you have it all figured out. Man or woman. Minister or lay man. We are all a part of the Kingdom of God. We are all in process until we enter His Kingdom. If God isn’t speaking to us about ourselves, are we asking him to? Are we listening? This has been my journey of late. I hope and pray that God continues to make me more than I am, and more fully me than I ever knew I could be.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24